So, per Iowa’s suggestion, I’ve been reading Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters, an interesting look at people’s habits and tendencies from the perspective of evolutionary psychology.
According to the authors, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend” and women love getting flowers because these gifts have no intrinsic value. In other words, although diamonds and flowers may be expensive, they don’t do anything, especially for the man. Sure, they’re pretty, or shiny, or expensive, but they serve no real purpose, aside from showing that the man is willing to spend money on his lady. The authors argue that women need to see this willingness to invest resources, even when the investment does not yield any direct return for the man.
Apparently these authors have never received a seven iron–or a pebble–as a gift. Granted, they are both men, but we’ll ignore that. And I must clarify the pebble comment: I am NOT talking about all those times that Israel got down on one knee in Algebra II class, extended a piece of broken sidewalk, and proposed marriage to the lucky lady of the week. Definitely not that. (Although Israel is now married, so it worked on someone…and my rock-rejecting ass is still single!) I’m talking about penguins.
Everyone knows that male penguins court their intended mates. And they do it with rocks. The penguin who brings the best pebble gets the lady. But the pebbles serve a purpose, because penguins build their nests out of rocks and pebbles. Clearly, the gift is a cornerstone of penguin courtship. She only knows the dude is interested if he shows up with a stone. Furthermore, this gift has a clear message: take this bloody rock, and I’ll help you build a nest and have a kid. The pebble represents a promise to invest time, in addition to resources.
And time, these days, is a valuable commodity. Everyone works, usually too long , too hard, or both. This means that 1) people generally have their own financial resources, or at least know how to get them; and 2) someone’s gift of time is a pretty special thing.
Hence, I am quite pleased with my 99-cent seven iron, courtesy of Iowa.
Iowa plays golf as often as possible, not in that “every now and again on a Saturday” way, but in that “at the driving range several times a week and watching the PGA Tour during dinner” way. Furthermore, I have always wanted to play. I spent summers in high school chauffering my dad around the golf course, eating Snicker’s bars and guzzling cokes. Dad would not have been a good teacher, though; he swore and threw clubs and had terrible form.
Iowa, however, would be a great teacher. He’s level headed, patient, and actually knowledgeable about the sport. So I asked him to teach me. Iowa gave the typical (and usually wise) non-commital response designed to protect oneself from getting roped into unpleasant situations, like teaching the most awkward woman to ever hold a club how to drive a tiny ball in a straight line.
But something amazing happened. Iowa dropped me off at the doctor and came back with a 99-cent seven iron. For me. So that I could go to the driving range with him. Iowa even had the club shortened and got me a training grip.
Now, our illustrious WDBPHMD authors would argue that he gets something out of this. Now Iowa can go to the driving range whenever he wants, and I can choose to come or not, but he still gets to devote time to his activity. I choose to interpret the gift with less cynicism. I choose to interpret the gift as “I want to spend time with you. I want to share my talent with you.” And time is pretty valuable stuff, my friend. Last I checked, our lives are just vast expanses of time. Being in a relationship is about choosing to share that time. Like a penguin’s pebble, my golf club represents a commitment to sharing time.
I would argue that the same is true of engagement rings. The ring has become a symbol of a desire to spend a (LONG ASS) lifetime together. So yeah, a woman would get pumped over that–it means never taking the trash out again, and other, more important things, like having someone around to fetch Ben and Jerry’s while you’re on bedrest and as big as a barn.
To address your argument on its own terms, Kristin, I don’t see an incompatibility between the authors’ position that a woman would greatly appreciate a diamond or flowers because of their symbolic commitment to invest resources and your appreciation for a golf club because of its promise to give the same. Surely, you would agree that the gift of a diamond at least offers a more believable assurance to provide than a 99-cent gift ever could.
And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to believe that a woman would be more touched by a gift that doesn’t also provide the man with an obvious benefit (thus removing the worry of an ulterior motive). Just as I’m quite sure the authors would see no contradiction in your apprecation for a gift that costs little but is a testament to one’s loyalty.
Having said that, I think the authors are wrong if they overlook the value of the diamond as currency with the power to purchase. Because the gift of an expensive item does more than profess one’s commitment to spend more of one’s resources — it is a means of securing another’s faith, confidence and — at its most cynical — affections. And for that reason, the gift of the pebble or golf club can be seen as a more genuine expression of one’s willingness to share time with another person, because its instrinsic value is so low, the recipient couldn’t reasonably feel that she was being “bought.”
Comment by Anthony — 25 Jpm7000000pmTue, 07 Jul 2009 21:46:44 +000009 2009 @ 9:46 pm |