What NOT to Do When You’re Dating a Woman Who You Think Looks Like Natalie Portman
OR, Iowa’s Dating School of Hard Knocks
1. Announce on the first date that you’re “pretty much a dick.”
2. Vaguely allude to a female roommate in Miami who still lives in your apartment, without specifying that it’s totally platonic.
3. Wait a week or so before calling her back, even though you’re really interested.
4. When you do contact her, make it sounds like you just want a booty call, and/or…
5. Give her less than two hours notice that you’d like the pleasure of her company, for a date or otherwise.
6. Perpetually forget the gender of her dog.
7. Leave used condoms on her floor.
8. Allow your friends to drunk-dial her and leave explicit messages about how you want to put your salami in her pastrami.
9. Invite her over. Then pass out cold in a drunken stupor before she arrives.
10. Keep a spreadsheet of who pays for what on dates. Tell her about it.
Which is worse: that Iowa did this stuff, or that I’m still with him?!
[...] Saturday night—the dreaded Valentine’s Day, which I hate with the burning passion of a thousand angry suns—I invited Iowa (Nickname!)to join me and some other friends for a couple of rounds. He and I had actually hung out and talked more frequently since I’d started exclusively dating someone else. It was a strange dynamic: we have this great chemistry, but when we were dating, he only called every week or so, and often less. And he never gave me a heads -up. If he wanted to go to dinner on Tuesday, he’d text me Tuesday afternoon… But I digress. This should go in another entry on what NOT to do when dating a woman you think resembles Natalie Portman. [...]
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[...] That weird quasi-dating phase [...]
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