That’s right–monogamish. It’s that state of approximate monogamy when someone occasionally cheats. Sperm Wars says I should expect it. That’s all well and good, until it’s my parents. My parents sat me down about a month ago so they could drop the bomb. My dad cheated on my mom repeatedly over about ten years. Not with the same women–he travels a lot, and I imagine it was isolated incidents in different cities. But I don’t really want to know about that.
Knowing that my father could do that to my mother has forced me to question everything about virtually every relationship I encounter. When I call on clients, I wonder if the boss is banging the secretary on the desk where he keeps a family portrait. When guys hit on me in bars, I wonder if they have some girl at home, oblivious to their philandering partners’ ways. Perhaps the greatest toll has been on my own relationship. Iowa and I often have opposite schedules, since he frequently works nights. That leaves us with lots of time where we could certainly run around. I know he’s not. And I’ve always been pretty fastidious about letting him know exactly what I’m up to, to make sure he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m not cuckolding him. But lately I’ve found myself freaking out when he’s just a little late for work. I’ve also found myself drinking more, and then rambling about how angry at my parents I am. To Iowa, who responds with his characteristic patience, tolerance, and (above all) logic.
Talking to Iowa and others has made me realize that different people have vastly different definitions for cheating. Some women consider looking at porn a form of cheating. These women are crazy. Or are they?
What about going to the strip club? Men go and pay for women to rub up all over them. Yet most women turn a blind eye to the occasional boys’ night. BUT what if someone their man knew were to perform the same acts? Most women would consider that cheating. The conclusion: cheating has to do with personal proximity. If the act originates as something personal and intimate, it’s probably a bad idea. But looking at some woman whom you’ll never conceivably meet in person–or getting a lap dance from a woman who views it as a business transaction and is perceived as unattainable in real life–simply doesn’t count.
I’d argue that men are more predisposed to these marginally anonymous acts than women. But we’re both equally likely to do that “all the way cheating.” The whole issue of fidelity certainly raises some thought-provoking questions, even for those in the most stable of relationships.
So have you and your significant other sat down to define what cheating is? Did you agree? And what definitions do you share? I look forward to getting other people’s opinions on this one.
